FOOD IS MY BEST FRIEND! - Weight Loss Part 9

Depression is something we all suffer from, from time to time, whether we are willing to admit it or not. It can be triggered by many things, in my case mostly by my weight. Something not uncommon for most people who have struggled with their weight, especially women. I'm not a medical expert, so I can only report on my own experience and how it has affected me.

Depression is irrational!

It convinces you that things are worse than they are, and if you let it consume you it can take you to a very dark place. In my case I tend to cry a lot, but never in public, always in private. Crying isn't a bad thing, as it is sometimes exactly what I need and I feel better afterwards, but this isn't always the case. Sometimes all I can do is breathe deeply and try and find a distraction to snap me out of it (difficult when you live on your own), or try and sleep.

My intention in this blog is to explain how my weight has affected my mental state, both now and in the past, and how it, in part, contributed to my weight gain. As someone who's struggled with their weight all their adult life it's safe to say that I have never felt body confident. I've always had low self-esteem and often felt that no one could ever love me unless I was slim. Silly I know, but as I said before, depression is irrational. Unfortunately, your irrational feelings don't necessarily motivate you to do something about it. In fact, more often than not, it can have the opposite effect and result in comfort eating, in turn resulting in more weight gain.

When you do decide to do something about it, and it doesn't work, the comfort eating only intensifies to the point that you don't realise you're doing it anymore. Slowly, as your stomach expands, portion sizes get bigger, and you with it, again without realising it. You don't eat because you're hungry, you eat because the food makes you feel better. You like the taste, so you have to have it, whether you're hungry or not. It's a vicious circle. You use excuses like, "it's a Saturday night", "I'm on holiday", "it's Christmas", "I'm watching a movie" to justify eating excessively. Getting popcorn and a big bag of sweets when you go to the cinema, or eating a whole bag of Doritos with some kind of dip and a big bar of Galaxy whilst watching tele on a Saturday night. Things that for me became a habit.

Comfort eating, or binge eating is an eating disorder, and affects more people in the UK than bulimia and anorexia put together. Yet most of us have probably never considered it as such. Like bulimia and anorexia, someone who comfort eats to excess suffers from an extreme lack of self-confidence, and like extreme weight loss, extreme weight gain can seriously affect your health.

Society has a tendency to look down on people that are excessively overweight, suggesting they are a burden on society because of potential health problems later in life and the cost to the NHS. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never heard such comments about sufferers of other eating disorders... This attitude needs to change! Society needs to stop punishing the overweight! I don't know if I was a full-blown binge eater, having never consulted my GP or another medical professional about it, but I certainly still have times where I want to go and buy myself a big bar of galaxy and consume the whole thing. Luckily I've found the willpower not to anymore.

One of the strongest emotions I've experienced when depression hits is loneliness, again often caused by my feeling that no one will love me because of my size. Today I know this is nonsense, but when you experience first-hand the vile comments of really shallow men, as I have, it's easy to understand why I might feel like this at times. A night out has, in the past, been completely ruined by one comment, often not made directly at me. 

Not having that feeling of knowing that someone loves you no matter what your size, and wondering if you’ll ever know what that feels like has previously triggered extreme bouts of loneliness. The difference it makes when you do find that special someone, that makes you feel confident about your body for the first time in years, who sees nothing but beauty when they look at you, and not the endless imperfections that you see, is priceless! They see you, not your size. But of course, not everyone experiences this, and many of us are quite content without it.

Loneliness can hit even when you are surrounded by love though, usually because you aren't receiving the right kind of support from your loved ones and you don't know how to tell them. Or when you do, it can occasionally feel like they don't recognise how much you need them at that moment, and therefore they don't care. Again, irrational, but that's just how you feel sometimes. A hug, even a virtual one, can make everything ok. 

My most recent experience is regarding recognition of my weight loss. I've received a lot of much appreciated support from friends and loved ones, telling me how well I'm doing, how great I'm looking, how much of an inspiration I am, etc., etc. Certain family members, however, have barely acknowledged that I've lost even an ounce. Family members I haven't seen in months, so there is a clearly visible difference in my size. Although I know they love me unconditionally and my size doesn't matter to them, this lack of acknowledgement and support really hurts, in the same way that a fat joke from a loved one hurts. They think it's ok because they love me, but it really isn't, especially when you are a vulnerable 15-year-old girl...

The biggest things I've learnt about how being overweight can affect your mental state is: that your emotions can be irrational and finding ways to both understand and control them is hard; that loneliness is the strongest emotion to hit you, even when you are surround by love; that food is NOT my best friend!

I'm lucky, I have no medical condition preventing me from losing weight, and I've finally found my willpower to fight against the fat! But many aren't so lucky. Finding the right weight loss path and the willpower to stick to it, even if there is no medical reason holding you back, is really hard! We need to learn to be kind to ourselves, and be kind to others.

I don't expect my weight loss to fix me mentally. 

I don't expect to ever be 100% happy with my weight and shape. I'm female! It comes with the territory... But I do feel more confident about my shape and size now, and know that unkind comments will no longer affect me the way they used to. Why? Because I know what size I used to be, I know how far I've come, and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down! Of course, the chances of such comments being made now, like me, have shrunk!

*DISCLAIMER: Just a wee reminder that this is what has worked for me. There's no guarantee that it will work for everyone as we are all different. I’m not a professional!