BINGO WINGS AND OTHER WOBBLY BITS - Weight Loss Part 22

During my weight loss journey I have talked about many difficult subjects. I’ve been open and honest about the relationship between obesity and depression and anxiety, and when I was ready, I revealed how heavy I was when I first started my journey. But there is one subject that I am yet to touch on. What you might call the unwanted side effect of extreme weight loss.

It was around this time last year, when I had reached my half way target, that I realised I was beginning to get lose skin. Everything moved!

I was horrified and got very upset about it because I knew it would only get worse. I read a lot of things online, and how to deal with it etc, but soon realised that there was nothing I could do to prevent it. Other than stop losing weight, and that definitely wasn’t an option!

Although my confidence had in general grown because I was slimmer and fitter and was beginning to feel normal for the first time in years, I felt very low about my loose skin. My ever supportive confidant had to put up with many tears, and try to talk me through my anxiety over the subject. This support got me through the worst of it and I have started to accept it.

I think my arms were the biggest issue at first. When I was big my arms would always be covered from the elbow upwards because I was so embarrassed by their size. They only ever came out if it was so hot I could no longer cope.

I always dreamt of having slimmer arms and being able to wear a sleeveless top or dress without a cardigan and feel confident. Sadly, although my arms are slimmer, I do not feel confident about baring my arms to the world.

This is because I have a massive amount of loose skin on my upper arm, and yes, bingo wings galore! Unless I’m wearing a long sleeved top, which helps hide and compress them, my arms look twice the size they are and I can feel the skin moving when I move my arms.

I had quite a difficult experience at work, which almost had me in tears, whilst giving a presentation to a small group earlier this year. It was quite a warm day and the room was rather stuffy. So I took off my jumper. I was just wearing a vest top and only moved slightly when I felt my arms move. My jumper had only been off a few seconds when it went straight back on!

The anxiety had kicked in and my first thought was, will I ever be able to wear something sleeveless with confidence? The answer? I don’t have one yet. But I can say that I am not as self-conscious as I used to be.

I am certain wearing a pretty sleeveless dress without something covering my arms for a special occasion won’t happen whilst I have these bingo wings. I’ll just spend the whole time feeling really uncomfortable, thinking about my arms and wondering what other people are thinking, even if I am in a small group of close friends and/or family.

But what about other situations? I have already taken “I don’t care” steps towards embracing my physical appearance. The biggest one is probably wearing sleeveless tops and t-shirts with capped sleeves to my exercise classes, where I am moving my arms a lot. But I know these people and feel comfortable around them. I’m not sure I could do the same if I walked into a gym full of strangers.

I’m also quite happy to sit at my desk or in the café at work wearing a sleeveless top. I do feel self-conscious in the café, but I just try not to move my arms too much so as not to draw attention to them. My hope is that this first step will help make me braver in the future. Although, I don’t see myself giving a presentation, where people are actually paying attention to me, with bare arms any time soon…

Of course, it’s not all about the arms. That’s just the part of my body with loose skin that people are most likely to see.

My thighs are really bad, and although I do now wear short dresses and skirts, they are always accompanied by opaque tights or leggings, so you don’t see the loose skin. I own a pair of very short denim shorts, but I can’t wear them without cropped leggings underneath. Way too much loose, wrinkly, wobbly skin on show!

In fact, even when I was doing my 100km walk, when I was wearing shorts just above the knee, if you looked at my legs whilst I was walking, you could see the loose skin wobbling. And I could certainly feel it! I even passed a couple of younger girls during my 100k and overheard them whispering behind me. “have you seen her legs”, and “I know”. Apparently I don’t have functional hearing…

I really wanted to turn round and say something to them, embarrass them. But then I thought, no, they aren’t worth the effort and I need to conserve all my energy for the walk ahead. Plus I knew I would just get really wound up and angry about it and I needed to keep focussed.

There is also the embarrassment of people seeing me in a swimming costume. That’s both my arms and my thighs exposed! Luckily, when you go swimming, you spend most of the time in the water. But there’s still the issue of getting in and out of the pool and the showers before and after!

I did, however, do a very brave thing at the beginning of July. Well, actually two things. The first was that I bought myself a bikini. Yes a bikini! Not something I ever thought I’d find myself doing… This was on the Monday.

At the time I was down south, staying at my cousin’s recovering after my 100k. On the Friday I felt my blisters were on the mend and I was able to walk a bit better. So I decided I was going to the beach. I jumped in the car, wearing my bikini under a short dress, and off I went! What did I do? I sunbathed in my bikini on a beach full of strangers!

I even got up and went for a dip in the sea. It was lovely! I should point out that the bikini I bought was one of those sixties style bikinis with high waist bottoms. None of this skimpy lets reveal all types…

This brings me onto the next problem area, and literally the biggest and most physically debilitating area. My stomach!

I have so much loose skin around the stomach area that it overhangs the natural crease in my body. When I wear a pair of trousers or jeans that don’t sit above my belly button, I have to be careful about what sort of top I wear because it all hangs out and looks like my trousers are too tight. The reality being of course, that there is a big hanging fold of loose skin just above my belly button.

This isn’t the only issue I have with the loose skin around my stomach however. This biggest is exercising. If I am doing an exercise class that involves any form of jumping around I have to wear a pair of leggings that go over and above my belly button. Otherwise it’s like running without a bra! Very uncomfortable!

All this loose skin is a lot to deal with. It’s an emotional rollercoaster which I would not wish on anyone!

One thing I noticed when taking photographs for this particular blog was that I had no problems deciding which ones to use for my arms and stomach, but my thighs were a different matter. I could not decide! In fact, I got quite anxious about it. I realised it was because I didn’t really want to show any pictures of my thighs, I just wasn’t ready. It seems that, although I have, for the most part, come to terms with the loose skin on my arms and stomach, I’m still struggling with how my thighs look. I’m not at all comfortable with the picture above, but if I can be brave enough to do so, hopefully others will too.

Last year I watched a very interesting programme on ITV (it wasn’t available in Scotland, so I had to watch it online) called Lisa Riley’sBaggy Body Club. It was all about extreme weight loss and loose skin. Like me, Lisa lost all her weight through changing her eating habits, exercise and a lot of hard work! She’d gone from a size 28 to a size 12. I went from a size 26 to a size 10/12. So in some respects, very similar, except I have big hips and small boobs…

She had surgery on her stomach, legs, arms and breasts and had a stone and a half of loose skin removed. Having watched the programme and seen how much loose skin she had, I know that I have a similar amount. This is why, although I’m near the top end of the healthy weight for my height, I know if I were to have surgery tomorrow I would be closer to 9st. According to the NHS, the bottom end of the healthy weight for my height is 8st 2lbs. This would be for someone with a small frame all over. Like I said above, I have hips! So for me to be below 9st without loose skin could be dangerous!

Lisa luckily has the money to pay for such surgery, but what hope is there for people like me, with little ability to save enough money? I have been informed by the NHS that I can get surgery on my stomach and legs. Of course I have to wait a while before this all happens, and I have to be assessed by a psychologist to prove that I need this surgery.

The plastic surgeon nurse that assessed me a few months ago said, given the physical restraints, and the emotional anxiety it causes, it is highly unlikely that they would refuse me. So fingers crossed, sometime in the near future, I will no longer have to deal with the excess skin around my stomach! Instead I will be learning to live with my new scars. Which I don’t mind.